For those of us who MIGHT have been scared of the dark as a child, we're forever indebted to ol' Tommy Edison. While he didn't invent the light bulb, he was the first person to make it cheap and effective enough to mass produce. Our gripe isn't with his flagship product though, it's that he slammed the breaks on the innovation train a couple of stops short of the station. Don't get us wrong, we LOVE the light bulb. It's great for reading history books in bed, kitchen cabinet organizing, maybe a little midnight snack hunting, but if we want to heat up a simple gathering in to a party, it just won't do. It took an additional 54 years to come up with the strobe light, and 84 full years for humanity to come around to inventing the lava lamp. Imagine the lost party potential in 138 cumulative years of unblinking lavaless ragers. That's unspicy!
When Alexander Graham Bell made the first recorded phone call to his assistant Thomas Watson, he famously said "Mr. Watson, come here. I want to see you." Really? Come here I want to see you?? That sounds like a bad booty call text, not a sounding horn for the glorious triumph of modern ingenuity. AGB (what the youths call him) could have made the first telephone call AND the first prank call at the same time. Instead, now he’s only remembered for his amazing beard hair density and for revolutionizing human communication. Meh.
George Washington once said “The Constitution is the guide which I never will abandon.” He also said “Wings of the buffalo, encapsulated in fire sauce of deep red, are the foundations of freedom.” Ok he didn’t say that last one, but they’re both pretty powerful American statements. Was the red, white and blue of the flag meant to symbolize Frank’s RedHot, Ranch and Blue Cheese? We’ll never truly know. What we DO know is that the moment President Washington was sworn in by Chancellor Robert Livingston, he became the first official leader of the free world. Sure he had important things to accomplish: build a nation-state, protect sovereign soil, but he couldn’t take the time to spice things up with a few wacky laws? Maybe decree an official nickname of “Handsome George,” or give Rhode Island one less holiday than everyone else for being the last of the thirteen states to join the union. The only thing that sounds more American than that is a bald eagle flying an F-16.
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